Groomer Humor Contributions to PetGroomer.com:
You know you’re a groomer when…….
- There’s more hair on you than on your dog.
- Your dog’s nails are better cared for than yours.
- People who travel with you regularly and are allergic to dogs know to take their medication before leaving home or work.
- You get around to buying shampoo for yourself (and you already have all possible types of shampoo and conditioners for the dogs), and you stand baffled in front of the shampoo isle… Pantene Pro V for dry scalp? For thin, oily hair? Where¹s the paste shampoo and the cream rinse?
- You can¹t remember the last time you went to the hairdresser, but you can’t stand it if you see a stray mesh of hair on your dog.
- You’re known as the “fastest scissors in town.”
- When you finally DO get around to going to the salon, you bring your own hairstyle magazine, and absent-mindedly ask for the Spaniel cut.
- There are “before and after” shots of all the dogs you’ve ever groomed all over the house and one set of dated photos of your kids between photos of Pansy the Poodle and Buster the Schnauzer.
- You’ve customized your grooming table to perfection but have trouble remembering how to build pasta.
- Your friends know better than to ask how your family is doing. Instead, they always ask, “So, have you bought any new equipment lately?”
Submitted by Adrienne Lalande
St-Bruno, QC, Canada Copyright Adrienne Lalande All rights reserved
You know you’re a groomer when you have more saliva on your face than in your mouth.
Submitted by Anne T. Springer
You know you’re a dog groomer when you can hack up bigger hair bails than the cat.
Submitted by Kim at Rock Bottom Ranch
You know you’re a groomer when you come home from work, and your dog sniffs you like his favorite tree. And you know you’re a groomer when you can have a complete conversation with your dog.
You know you’re a groomer when a dog’s coat comes out every night you blow your nose. (anonymous)
You have a 5 o’clock shadow by 11 am. And you go to a restaurant and ASK for hair in your food.
You pet someone’s dog, and you catch yourself feeling for them.
Submitted by Heather
You see a good-looking guy walking his dog in the park, and you’re checking out the dog’s haircut.
Submitted by Lissa Myers
You spend 1/2 hour each evening picking the dog hair out of your elbows, arms, etc.
Submitted by Lissa Myers
You place the value of a retail item based on the number of dogs you groomed to make that amount of money. Example: “That outfit is too expensive; it’s a four-dog pantsuit.”
Submitted by Lissa Myers
Here are several from Shelly Mackie of South Africa
- Strange dogs greet you as though you are another dog.
- You visit a friend and spend the day itching to get their mutt into a bath.
- Your car has more hair on the seats than on your dog.
- You catch yourself growling when you get angry.
- You receive strange looks when you go out to lunch or the bank.
- Your dog has a better haircut than you do.
- You don’t mind standing in doggy-doo while walking in the park.
- You find yourself not showing your teeth when you smile.
- You scratch your head and absentmindedly look for fleas.
- You communicate better with your neighbor’s dogs than with your neighbor.
You arrive at “The Phantom of the Opera” opening night, dressed to the nines standing next to Brad Pitt, with Siberian Husky fur in your hair! True event!
Submitted by Cheri McCoy, “Gentle Groomer” CA
When you find a hair in your food at a restaurant and think…ah, that ain’t nothing! Then continue eating!
Submitted by Muddz Mom
And another collection, this time from Christina Cox:
- When you talk to your dog, and he talks back.
- When you go to the park, and a guy walks up with a dog, it is a mixed breed; you tell him what his dog is mixed with.
- When you cut your own hair at the grooming shop.
- When you wash your own hair at the grooming shop with dog shampoo. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.
- You cry when a Standard Poodle comes in matted.
- All the strays in the neighborhood migrate toward your house.
- When your dogs love to take baths and get brushed out.
- When your dogs look better than everyone else’s, dogs are on the block because they get baths once a week.
- When you cook your dog’s meals.
- When you go to McDonalds for breakfast, you order what you want plus whatever your dog wants.
- When you use the dog cologne before you leave the shop so you don’t smell like a dog.
- You home-school your 14-year-old daughter at the grooming shop because she prefers dogs to the student.
- The grooming shop provides a better learning structure.
- The grooming shop has fewer distractions.
- When you pick up dog poop with one hand and hold a hamburger in the other.
When you notice your husband has hair growing out of his ear, you automatically try to pluck it. (Suzanne at Kanine Klassique, in Belfast, Northern Ireland)
When you bake dog cookies for clients but your family complains, their cookie jar is always empty. (rtpouin)
When you recognize the dog on the street before the owner. (Red Tigrrr)
When you find yourself picking up other dogs’ poop when walking your dog. (JRGroomer)
Your client’s dog comes to visit you without the client. (Klunky’s Pet Grooming)
A client stops you in the supermarket, and you don’t know who they are until they mention their pet’s name. (anonymous)
You can identify with such movie charters as Edward Scissor Hands. (anonymous)
You would rather shop in the “Pet Edge Catalog” instead of ” Victoria’s Secrets.” (anonymous)
You think of pet hair as just another source of protein. (anonymous)
You go to the doctor because you think you are losing your hearing, just to have him/her tell you that you have fur balls in your ears. (anonymous)
The spot on your chest x-ray isn’t cancer but a fur ball. (anonymous)
Throwing wet pet hair against the wall is a good way to express what kind of day you are having. (anonymous)
Unless someone barks or meows at you, you don’t hear them. (anonymous)
You give your kid the dry dog biscuit, and your dogs get the good cookies. Submitted by Furball
When you see a dog on the street or anywhere, you’re naming his breed or what he is mixed with and how you could do wonders for his hair. When you are introduced to someone’s pet, you first notice that his nails need trimming and his ears need cleaning out. Submitted by Tee.
More submissions by Furball:
- You wake your husband up by trying to comb out a mat from behind his ear.
- You just can’t force yourself to drink coffee without the added dog and cat hair.
- When your brusher/bather comes in to clean your shop, you have many coffee cups, pop bottles, pop cans, and uneaten burgers from MC Donald’s all over the place.
- When you are asked what kind of day you had, you can only compare it to a car or train wreck.
- People who come into your shop can judge how busy you are by the amount of dog hair on you and the floor.
- When people complain about their dogs’ shedding, you respond,” Northern Breed Tweed is in style for the season.”
- Weekends are one day long, and even then, someone calls you to see if you can do their dog today.
- You can find 1001 uses for duct tape.
- You can keep your business records in order but can’t balance your personal accounts.
- You try to come up with names that are P.C. for what you do exactly, such as a K9 hair care technician.
- Your friends and family can never find presents for you that don’t have something to do with dogs and cats.
You wish PetEdge would start having home parties like Pampered Chef and Home Decorations do!!!! Submitted by Judy Murphy
You threaten your husband with ” That’s it, we’re getting another puppy.” (anonymous)
You refer to your dogs as ” the kids.” (anonymous)
Instead of saving up for a car or a house like “normal” people, you save up for The Granddaddy Dryer or New Cages. (anonymous)
You go on eBay and only bid on stuff for or with dogs. (anonymous)
Just as you are twirling a Bichon around while singing ‘New York, New York’ to him, his owner walks in and doesn’t look surprised. (anonymous)
You save the contents of the dog’s ears to show the owners and anyone else who might be suitably horrified. Submitted by Lynne Land, Happy Dogs Derbyshire England.
From Tyra Broadway:
- Your neighbors put dirty stray dogs & cats in your yard because they know you’ll take care of them.
- Your friends, family & foes call you “Doolittle.”
- You don’t mind in the least eating from a pet dish (hey, I washed it).
- You feed your pet from your fork as you are feeding yourself.
From Lynne Meisel:
- When you cough up more hairballs than your cat.
- When your daily diet includes more hair than food.When you vacuum yourself more than you do your home carpets.
- When YOUR DNA test comes back as breed specifics.
- When you find hair in places, you didn’t know you had places.
Your dogs are the shaggiest in town. (The carpenter’s house is always in shambles.) And, you can threaten your coworkers by aiming while expressing anal sacs. Submitted by Tyra Broadway
- Your kids go to the Vet rather than the Doctor.
- A blowjob means an HV dry.
- You keep matted pelts and display them as modern art.
- You compare your biceps at a grooming function.
- Biore strips remove dog hair rather than other “stuff.”
Submitted by Annette Bumper
- You shave your own legs with your ten-blade.
- You’re running late for a night on the town and have no time to stop home for a shower, so you jump in the tub at the shop.
- You blow your own hair dry with the Velocity Dryer.
- A pair of scissors drops, and you cringe.
- You have a “longest clipped toenails” collection in your drawer.
- You do not find doggie breath offensive but rather familiar.
- You know to aim the anus away from your face.
- You find popping zits and blackheads on your animals absolutely gratifying.
- You wish they made human muzzles for your co-workers.
- You step out into the real world, and everything seems so quiet.
- Your skin itches with little prickly hairs all day long.
- You know that the most annoying feeling is a hair splinter.
- Every book you read or purchase from the bookstore has to do with dogs.
- You need a pickup truck for all of your “gear.”
- You shop at Sears and Home Depot in the hardware department for all of your grooming organizing accessories.
- You ask for grooming equipment for birthdays and Christmas.
- You get turned on by new grooming equipment.
- You get really excited at trade shows.
- You have all the necessary gear at home to do touch-ups on your dogs.
- You find your dogs running away from you whenever you get new equipment. Delivered to your door.
- You have the right answer for all of your friends’ pet problems.
- You accidentally grab the cool lube and style your hair as usual.
- You use the doggie polish on your own nails cause it dries faster.
- You find yourself behaving more and more like a dog. i.e., itching, smelling things before eating them, eyeing up someone new, and barking back at dogs in the kennel…even growling and snapping back.
Submitted by Stacey Witner, CA
When you growl at your hairdresser to ensure you get your money’s worth. Submitted by Gina Miller
When your morning coffee has hair on it, you just blow it off and drink from the cup anyway. Submitted by Nymsam15
You know you’re a pet groomer when you can’t see out of your contacts, and you know it’s a pet hair and not an eyelash like normal people! Submitted by Angela Wilhoite
You know you’re a groomer when you ride in your car and see someone walking their dog and start fantasizing about what haircut you would give it. Submitted by Betheyne Joyce Arp
You wish to buy an item from a catalog and say, “This will cost three dogs.” you never think of the actual cash cost. Submitted by Rhonda Wise
From Melissa Lawson, TX:
- You make kissing noises to get your child’s attention.
- Your daughter says, “I just got a bath; now I smell as good as the dogs.”
- You are saving the photo of your child sleeping in the dog kennel for blackmail.
- Your kids have groomer Barbie and every other pet grooming-related toy known to man.
- In your home movies, you might glimpse a baby crawling for the first time if it weren’t for the pack of dogs trying to herd her.
You know you are a groomer when you finish brushing a dog with a greyhound comb and then start to brush your hair. Submitted by Rebecca Melvin – Ft. Madison, IA
From Samantha Newell
- You wear a padded bra for protection from hair, scratches, bites, etc., not for looks.
- You’re always looking for great sales on stylish clothes – for your dog.
- You’re more concerned about how your dog’s outfit looks when you bring him/her to work than your own.
- You always tell comparative stories about your dog when your friends are telling stories about their kids.
- Your car’s interior is leather for easy cleaning – not prestige.
- A co-worker thinks they see smoke, and then they realize it’s just dog hair billowing off you as you walk by. (True story)
- When someone mentions their glands are swollen, you immediately think of ‘anal glands.’
- You get excited when there’s a sale on cheap fabric with paw prints because you can make it into bandannas.
- You don’t think twice about biting a dirty dog to let it know who’s boss.
- You encounter a growling dog on the street and consider it a good experience for work to see if you can calm it.
- You tend to look like a cheap Vegas showgirl because you have your hair held back out of your face with various doggie ribbons, feathers, clips, & bows.
- You use super-glue instead of band-aids because band-aids just get wet & fall off.
- You advise friends on what breeds to/not to consider buying based on how each breed tends to behave while being groomed.
- Before going out for the evening, your husband asks if the car has been de-haired yet.
- You scold your husband for licking his fingers after eating because he might give himself hot spots.
From Bully in AR:
- You NEVER paint your nails any blood color shade.
- You can’t paint your nails a light shade that shows the fur underneath.
- You paint your own nails AND your child’s nails with dog polish.
- You look for children’s fast-drying, non-toxic nail polish for dogs.
- You love to give your own dog a bath once a week, and they have a fresh coat of polish and a new scarf, even if they are half Lab and Dachshund.
- You go in on your day off to pick up your check and get peed on.
- You dress up on your days off (make-up too)
- Clients don’t recognize you without your smock. Hair pulled back and make-up off.
- You know at least ten different ways to avoid carpal tunnel.
- You find it strange that some people’s kids are terrified of dogs.
Submitted by Petgroomer76:
- When you have a slicker in your own personal care supplies.
- You strategically place “Pet Edge” catalogs at people’s houses who might order something for you. Items are already marked, of course.
- When you come to terms with the fact that every mix in the world is either a Lab or Poodle mix. Even the wire-haired ones. You know this ’cause the owner told you so.
- When you refer to a dog using its last name but don’t know its owner first.
- When you answer people who ask why you don’t cut human hair, you tell them people hold too still.
Submitted by Dog Diva:
- When you kiss your client’s dog goodbye on the lips, but when your client reaches out to shake your hand, it seems a little too personal.
- You give all of your client’s dogs kisses all day without thinking about it, but when you get home, and your husband puckers up, you cringe at his breath.
And many more from several anonymous sources:
- You say, “Do you have to go potty?” to your husband.
- When your kids believe that dog hair is a good source of fiber.
- When you pay for your purchase at the store, dog hair is between the bills.
- When you carry dog nail trimmers in your purse because you know all of your friends and family want nails trimmed when you visit.
- When you are frequently seen picking hair splinters from between your fingers.
- When your female dog thinks your work shoes could impregnate her.
- When you scold people for discarding fabric scraps saying, “Hey! I can make a bow out of that!”
- When you explain to the grocer that the $2.69 cans of soup are not for you but for your dog, who hasn’t been feeling well.
- When you are better at restraining animals than your vet or vet techs.
- When you explain that your dog had a headache in this picture because her bow was too tight.
- When your dogs’ clothes are in better shape than yours.When you share barrettes, pony holders, clips, and brushes with your dog.
- When you loot some re-moisturizer from work because you have dandruff.
- If you haven’t had a Saturday off in 5 years.
- When you tell people you know how your dog feels because “it told me so.”
- If you’ve ever used a leash as a belt because your pants stretched out from being wet from bathing all morning.
- If several pairs of your pants have tiny holes in the thighs from wiping running clipper blades on them.
- When you are well known at the local Police Department due to the number of stray dogs, you’ve brought in to Animal Control.
- When you are fresh out of friends and family to give stray animals to.
- If you’ve ever given your dog or cat fleas.
- If you think of a flea collar as a sure sign that the animal wearing it has fleas.
- If you don’t trust a vet as far as you could throw them.
- If you know what kind of food your client feeds their dog due to its stool’s color and/or texture.
Thank you to all of our contributors. LOL